Theophrast - Characters

Theophrastus

His Moral Characters or Description of Manners

transl. Joseph Healey, 1628

The Characters

Caviling · Flattery · Garrulity · Rusticity · Smoothness · Senselessness · Loquacity · News-forging · Impudence · Avarice · Obscenity · Unseasonableness · Impertinent Diligence · Blockishness · Stubbornness · Superstition · Complaining · Diffidence · Nastiness · Unpleasantness · Affectation · Illiberality · Ostentation · Pride · Timidity · Oligarchy · Late-learning · Detraction

The Author’s Dedication

Oftentimes heretofore considering of this business that good attention, I did much wonder whence it should be that all Greece being of clime and temperature of air, and Grecians in general bred and trained up after one fashion, should notwithstanding in manners and behavior be so different and unlike. I therefore, O Polycles, having a long time observed the divers dispositions of men, having now lived ninety-nine years, have conversed with all sorts of natures bad and good, and comparing them together: I took it my part to set down in this discourse their several fashions and manners of life. For I am of opinion, my Polycles, that our children will prove the more honest and better conditioned, if we shall leave them good precedents of imitation: that of good children they may prove better men. But now to the purpose: It shall be your endeavor to attend and examine what I say. Therefore not to over-preface to that which must be said; I will begin with those which delight in caviling. And first I will define the vice it self: Then I will describe a Caviler by his fashion and manners; afterwards, I will generally set down other affections of the mind.

I. Caviling

Caviling or cavilation (if we should define it rudely) is a wresting of actions and words to the worse or sadder part. A caviler is he, who will entertain his enemies with a pretence of love; who applauds those publicly, whom secretly he seeks to supplant. If any man traduce or deprave him, he easily pardons him without any expostulation. He passes by jests broken upon him, and is very affable with those, which challenge him of any injury by him to them done. Those which desire hastily to speak with him, he gives them a come-again. Whatsoever he does, he hides; and is much in deliberation. To those which would borrow money of him, his answer is 'Tis a dead time; I sell nothing. And when he sells little, then he brags of much. When he hear any thing he will make show not to observe it: He will deny he has seen what he saw. If he bargain for any thing in his own wrong, he will not remember it. Some things he will consider of: some things he knows: some things he knows not; others he wonders at. These words are very usual with him, I do not believe it; I think not so, I wonder at it; of some of these I was so to persuaded before. He will tell you, you mistake him for another: he had no such speech with me. This is beyond belief: find out some other ear for your stories. Shall I believe you, or disable his credit But take you hed how you give credit to these received sayings, veiled and infolded with so many windings of dissimulation. Men of these manners are to be shunned more than vipers.

II. Of Flattery

Flattery may be said to be a foul deformed custom in common life, making for the advantage of the flatterer. A flatterer is such a one, as if he walk or converse with you, will thus say unto you: Do you observe, how all men's eyes are upon you? I have not noted any in this town, to be so much beheld. Yesterday in the gallery you had reason to be proud of your reputation. For there being at that time assembled more then thirty persons, and question being made which should be the worthiest citizen; the company being very impatient it should be disputed, concluded all upon you. These and such like he puts upon him. If there be the least mote upon his clothes, or if there should be none, he makes a show to take it off: or if any small straw or feather be gotten into his locks, the flatterer takes it away; and smiling says, you are grown gray within these few days for want of my company, and yet your hair is naturally as black as any man of your years. If he reply, the flatterer proclaims silence, praises him palpably and profusely to his face. When he has spoken, he breaks out into an exclamation, with a O well spoken! And if he break a jest upon any, the flatterer laughs as if he were tickled; muffling himself in his cloak, as if he could not possibly forbear. As he meets any, he plays the gentleman-usher, praying them to give way; as if his patron were a very great person. He buys pears and apples, and bears them home to his children, and gives them (for the most part) in his presence: and kissing them, cries out, O the worthy father's lively picture! If he buy a shoe, if he be present, he swears his foot is far handsomer, and that the shoe miss-shapes it. If at any time he should repair to visit a friend, the flatterer plays the harbinger; runs before, and advertises them of his coming: and speedily returning back again, tells him that he has given them notice thereof. Whatsoever belongs to the women's Academy, as paintings, preserving, needle-works, and such like; he discourses of them like my Lady's woman. Of all the guests, he first commends the wine, and always sitting by his ingle, courts him; asking him how sparingly he feeds, and how he bridles it: and taking some special dish from the table, takes occasion to commend it. He is busy and full of questions; whser this man be not cold; why he goes so thin; and why he will not go better clothed? Then he whispers in his patron's ear: and, while others speak; his eye is still upon him. At the theater, taking the cushions from the boy, he set them up himself: he commends the situation and building of the house; the well tilling and husbanding of the ground. In conclusion, you shall always note a flatterer to speak and do, what he presumes will be most pleasing and agreeable.

III. Of Garrulity

Garrulity is a slippery looseness, or a babbling of a long inconsiderate speech. A prattler or babbler is such an one, that unseasonably setting upon any stranger, will commend his wife unto him; or tell his last night's dreams, or what meats, or how many dishes he had at such a feast: and when you listen to him, or that he grows a little encouraged with your attention, he will complain, that modern men are worse then those of elder times: that corn is too cheap, as rents are now improved: that there are too many strangers dwelling in the town: That the seas, after the Dionysian feasts, will be more smooth, and obedient to the sailors: and that if there fall good store of rain, there will be greater plenty of those things, which yet are locked up in the bowels of the earth: and the next year he will till his ground: That 'tis a hard world: and that men have much ado to live: and that when the holy ceremonies were celebrated, Damippus set up the greatest light: inquires therefore how many columns are in the Odeon: and yesterday, he says, I was wamble-cropt, and (saving your presence) parbreaked: and what day of the month is this? but if any man lend him attention, he shall never be clear of him. He will tell you; That the mysteries, Mense Boedromione, Apaturia, Pyanepsione, Posideone, the Dionysia which now are, were wont to be celebrated. These kind of men are to be shunned, with great wariness and speed, as a man would prevent or out-run an ague. For 'tis a miserable condition, to continue long with those which cannot distinguish the seasons of business and leisure.

IV. Of Rusticity or Clownishness

Rusticity may seem to be an ignorance of honesty and comeliness. A clown or rude fellow is he, who will go into a crowd or press, when he has taken a purge: And he that says, that garlic is as sweet as a gilli-flower: that wears shoes much larger then his feet: that speaks always very loud: who distrusting his friends and familiars, in serious affairs advises with his servants: who, the things which he heard in the senate, imparts to his mercenaries, who do his drudgery in the country: one that sits so with his hose drawn up at his knee as you might see his skin. Upon the way whatsoever strange accident he encounters, he wonders at nothing. But if he see an ox, an ass or a goat, then the man is at a stand, and begins to look about him: proud when he can rob the cupboard or the cellar, and then snap up a scrap; very careful that the wench that makes the bread take him not napping. He grinds, caters, drudges, purveys, and plays the sutler, for all things belonging to a house-provision. When he is at dinner, he casts meat to his beasts; if any body knock at the door, he listens like a cat for a mouse. Calling his dog to him, and taking him by the snout: This fellow, says he, keeps my ground, my house, and all that is in it. If he receives money, he rejects it as light; and desires to have it changed. If he has lent his plough, his scythe, or his sack; he sends for them again at midnight, if he chance to think of them in his sleep.

Coming into the City, whomsoever he meets, he asks the price of hides and salt fish, and whser there be any plays this new moon: and so soon as he does alight, he tells them all, that he will be trimmed: And this fellow still sings in the bath; and clouts his shoes with hob-nails. And because it was the same way to receive his salt meats from Archias, it was his fashion to carry it himself.

V. Of fair Speech or Smoothness

Smoothness, or fawning, if we should define it, is an encounter containing many allurements to pleasure; and those (for the most part) not more honest then they should be. But a sleek stone or smooth-boot (as we term him) is he, that salutes a man as far off, as his eye can carry level; stiles him most worthy; admires his fortune; and taking him by both the hands, detains him, not suffering him to pass. But having a while accompanied him, is very inquisitive when he shall see him again; embroidering and painting out his praise. The same being chosen an arbitrator, endeavors not only to content him on whose behalf he is chosen, but the adverse part likewise, that so he may be held an indifferent friend to them both. He maintains, when strangers speak wiser and more just things than his own fellow Citizens. Being invited to a feast, he entreats the master of the entertainment to send in for his children: and when they are come, he swears they resemble their father, as near as one fig does another. Then calling them to him, he kisses them, and sets them by him: and Jesting with others of the company, says he, Compare them with the father, they are as like him, as an apple is like an oyster. He will suffer others sleeping to rest in his bosom, when he is laden with a sore burden. He trims himself often: he keeps his tes clean and white: changes and turkizes his clothes. His walk is commonly in that part, where the Goldsmiths' and Bankers' tables are: and uses those places of activity where young youths do exercise themselves. At shows and in the theaters, he places himself next the praetors; but in the courts of justice he seldom appears. But he buys presents, to send to his friend at Byzantium. Little dogs, and Hymettian honey he sends to Rhodes: and he tells his fellow-citizens that he does these things. Besides, he keeps an ape at home; buys a satyr, and Sicilian doves; and boxes of treacle, of those which are of a round form; and slaves, those that are somewhat bending and oblique, brought from Lacedaemon; and tapestry, wherein the Persians are woven and set out. He has a little yard, graveled, fit for wrestling; and a tennis court. And these parts of his house, his manner is to offer your present unto any he meets, whser philosopher or sophist, or those which exercise themselves in arms, or music, that they may use their cunning: which while they do, he speaks to one of the lookers on, as if he were but a mere spectator himself, says: I pray you, whose wrestling place is this?

VI. Of Senselessness, or Desperate Boldness

Senselessness is that, whereby a man dares both speak and do against the laws and rules of honesty. The man is he, which readily (or rashly) takes an oath; who is careless of his reputation; reckons little, to be railed upon; is of the garb or disposition of a crafty imposter; a lewd dirty fellow, daring to do any thing but that is fit. He is not ashamed, being sober, in cool bloud, to dance country dances and matachines, as a Zany or Pantalon; and when the jugglers show their tricks, to go to every spectator and beg his offering: And if any man bring a token and would pay nothing, then to wrangle and brabble extremely; fit to keep an alehouse, or an inn: to be a punter or a toll-gatherer, a fellow that will forbear no foul or base course: He will be a common crier, a cook, a dicer; he denies his mother food. Being convicted of theft, he shall be drawn and haled by head and shoulders; he shall dwell longer in prison, then in his own house. This is one of those, which ever and anon have a throng about them, calling to them all they meet, to whom they speak in a great broken tone, railing on them.

And thus they come and go, before they understand what the matter is: whilst he tells some the beginning; some scantily a word; others he tells some little part of the whole; affecting to publish and protest his damnable disposition. He is full of suits and actions; both such as he suggests against others; and such as are framed against him. He is a common maker of affidavit for other men's absence. He suborns actions against himself: In his bosom he bears a box, and in his hand a bundle of papers. And such is his impudence, he gives himself out to be general of the petti-foggers and knights of the post. He puts out money to use: and for a groat, takes daily three farthings. He goes oftentimes into the fish-market, taverns, cooks shops, and shambles: and the money that he gets by his brokerage, he commonly hides in his mouth. These men are very hard to be endured: their tongues are traded in detraction: and when they rail, they do it in such a stormy and tempestuous fashion, as all courts and taverns are pestered with their clamors.

VII. Of Loquacity or Overspeaking

Loquacity is a looseness or intemperance of speech. A prattling fellow is he, who says to him with whom he discourses, whatsoever he begins to say, anticipates him; that he knows all already, and that the other says nothing to purpose; and that if he will apply him serf to him, he shall understand somewhat: then interrupting him, take hed, says he, that you forget not that you would say, etc. You do well that you have called it to mind, etc. How necessary and useful a thing confidence is! There's somsing that I have omitted now, etc. You apprehend it very readily, etc. I did expect that we should thus jump together, etc. And seeking the like occasions of prattling and verbosity, permits them no truce nor breathing time with whom he discourses. And when he has killed these, then he assaults fresh men in troops, when they are many assembled together. And those, being seriously employed, he wearies, tires, and puts to flight. Coming into plays, and wrestling places, he keeps the boys from learning; prattling with their masters: and if any offer to go away, he follows them to their houses. If any thing done publicly be known to him, he will report as private. Then he will tell you of the war, when Aristophanes that noble orator lived: or he will tell you a long tedious tale of that battle which was fought by the Lacedemonians under Lysander their general: and, if ever he spoke well publicly himself, that must come in too. And thus speaking, he inveighs against the giddy multitude; and that so lamely, and with such torment to the hearers; as that one desires the art of oblivion; another sleeps; a third gives him over in the plain field. In conclusion, whser he sit in judgment (except he sit alone) or if he behold any sports, or if he sit at table; he vexes his pew-fellow with his vile, impertinent, importunate prattle: for it is a hell to him to be silent. A secret in his breast, is a coal in his mouth. A swallow in a chimney makes not such a noise. And, so his humor be advanced, he's contented to be flouted by his very boys, which jeer him to his face; entreating him, when they go to bed, to talk them asleep.

VIII. Of News-forging, or Rumor-spreading

Fame-spreading, is a devising of deeds and words at the fancy or pleasure of the inventor. A news-monger he is, who meeting with his acquaintance, changing his countenance and smiling, asks whence come you now ? How go the rules now? Is there any news stirring? And still spurring him with questions, tells him there are excellent and happy occurrences abroad. Then, before he answers, by way of prevention asks, have you anything in store? why then I will feast you with my choicest intelligence. Then has he at hand some cast captain, or cashiered soldier, or some fifes boy lately come from war, of whom he has heard some very strange stuff, I warrant you: always producing such authors as no man can control. He will tell him, he heard that Polyspherchon and the king discomfited and overthrew his enemies, and that Cassander was taken prisoner. But if any man say unto him, do you believe this? Yes marry do believe it, replies he: for it is bruited all the town over by a general voice. The rumor spreads, all generally agree in this report of the war; and that there was an exceeding great overthrow. And this he gathers by the very countenance and carriage of these great men which sit at the stern. Then he proceeds and tells you further, That he heard by one which came lately out of Macedonia, who was present at all which passed, that now these five days he has bin kept close by them. Then he falls to terms of commiseration. Alas, good, but unfortunate Cassander! O careful desolate man! This can misfortune do. Cassander was a very powerful man in his time, and of a very great command: but I would entreat you to keep this to your self; and yet he runs to every one to tell them of it. I do much wonder what pleasure men should take in devising and dispersing those rumors. The which things, that I mention not the baseness and deformity of a lie, turn them to many inconveniences.

For, it falls out oftentimes that while these, mountebank-like, draw much company about them, in the baths and such like places, some good rogues steal away their clothes, others, sitting in a porch or gallery, while they over-come in a sea, or a land-fight are fined for not appearance. Others, while with their words they valiantly take cities, loose their suppers. These men lead a very miserable and wretched life. For what gallery is there, what shop, wherein they waste not whole days, with the penance of those whose ears they set on the pillory with their tedious un-jointed tales?

IX. Of Impudency

Impudence may be defined, A neglect of reputation for dirty lucre's sake. An impudent man is he, who will not stick to attempt to borrow money of him, whom he has already deceived; or from whom he fraudulently somewhat detains. When he sacrifices, and has seasoned it with salt, lays it up and sups abroad: and calling his page or lackey, causing him to take up the scraps, in every man's hearing says you honest man, fall to, I pray you, do not spare. When he buys any meat he wills the Butcher to bsink himself if in ought he were beholding unto him. Then sitting by the scales, if he can he will throw in some bit of fish, or (rather then fail) some bone into the scales: the which if he can slyly take away again, he thinks he has done an excellent piece of service; if not, then he will steal some scrap from a table, and laughing sneak away. If any strangers which lodge with him, desire to see a play in the theater, he bespeaks a place for them; and under their expense intrudes himself, his children and their pedant. And if he meet any man which has bought some small commodities, he begs part of them of him. And when he goes to any neighbor's house, to borrow salt, barley, meal, or any the like: such is his impudence he enforces them to bring anything, so borrowed, home to his house. Likewise in the baths, coming to the pans and kettles after he has filled the bucket, washes himself; not without the storms and clamors of him that keeps the Bath; and when he has done, says I am bathed; And turning to the bather or bath-keeper, says, Sir, now I thank you for nothing.

X. Of base Avarice or Parsimony

Base or sordid Parsimony, is a desire to save or spare expense without measure of discretion. Basely parsimonious he is, who being with his feast-companions does exact and stand upon a farthing as strictly, as if it were a quarters rent of his house; and tells how many drinking cups are taken out, as if he were jealous of some legerdemain; one of all the company that offers the leanest sacrifice to Diana. Now whatsoever expense he is at, he proclaims and aggravates it, as a great disbursement. If any of his servants break but a pitcher, or an earthen pot, he defalks it out of their wages. If his wife loses but a trivet, the beacons are on fire: he will toss, turmoil, and ransack every corner in the house; beds, bedsteads, nothing must be spared; he sells at such rates, that no man can do good upon it. No man may borrow any thing of him; scantly light a stick of fire, for fear of setting his house on fire, not part with so much as a rotten fig, or a withered olive. Every day he surveys his grounds and the buttals thereof, lest there be any encroaching, or any thing removed. If any debtor miss his day but a minute, he is sure to pay soundly for forbearance; besides usury upon usury, if he continue it. If he invite any, he entertains them so as they rise hungry: and when he goes abroad, if he can escape scot-free, he comes fasting home. He charges his wife, that she lend out no salt, oil, meal or the like: for you little think, says he, what these come to in a year. In a word, you shall see their Chests moldy, their keys rusty, for themselves, their habit and diet is always too little for them and out of fashion. Small troughs wherein they anoint themselves: their heads shaven, to save barbing: their shoes they put off at noon days, to save wearing: they deal with the fullers, when they make clean their clothes, to put in good store of fullers earth, to keep them from soil and spotting.

XI. Of Obscenity, or Ribaldry

Impurity or beastliness is not hard to be defined. It is a licentious lewd jest. He is impure or flagitious, who meeting with modest women, shows that which takes his name of shame or secrecy. Being at a play in the theatre, when all are attentively silent, he in a cross conceit applauds, or claps his hands: and when the spectators are exceedingly pleased, he hisses: and when all the company is very attentive in hearing and beholding, he lying alone belches or breaks wind, as if Æolus were bustling in his Cave; forcing the spectators to look another way: and when the hall or stage is fullest of company, coming to those which sell nuts and apples, and other fruits standing by them, takes them away and munches them; and wrangles about their price and such like baubles. He will call to him a stranger he never saw before; and stay one whom he sees in great haste. If he hear of a man that has lost a great suit, and is condemned in great charges, as he passes out of the Hall, comes unto him, and congratulates, and bids God give him joy. And when he has bought meat, and hired musicians, he shows to all he meets and invites them to it. And being at a barber's shop, or an anointing place, he tells the company that that night he is absolutely resolved to drink drunk. If he keep a Tavern, he will give his best friends his baptized wine, to keep them in the right way. At plays when they are most worthy the seeing, he suffers not his children to go to them. Then he sends them, when they are to be seen for nothing, for the redeemers of the Theaters. When an Ambassador goes abroad, leaving at home his victual which was publicly given him, he begs more of his companion’s. His manner is to lode his man, which journeys with him, with cloak-bags and carriages, like a Porter; but takes an order that his belly be light enough. When he anoints himself, he complains the oil is rank; and anoints himself with that which he pays not for. If a boy find a brass piece or a counter, he cries half part. These likewise are his. If he buy anything, he buys it by the Phidonian measure, but he measures miserably to his servants; shaving, and pinching them to a grain. If he be to pay thirty pound he will be sure it shall want three groats. When he feasts any of his allies; his boys that attend, are fed out of the common: and if there scrape away but half a radish or any fragment, he notes it, lest the boys that wait, meet with it.

XII. Of Unseasonableness; or Ignorance of due convenient Times

Unseasonableness is a troublesome burdening and assaulting of those, with whom we have to do. An unseasonable fellow is he, who coming to his friend when he is very busy, interrupts him, and obtrudes his own affairs to be deliberated and debated: or comes a gossiping to his sweetheart, when she is sick of an ague. His manner is likewise to entreat him to solicit or intercede for him, who is already condemned for suretyship. He sells his horse to buy hay: produces his witnesses, when judgment is given: inveighs against women, when he is invited to a marriage. Those that are very weary with a long journey, he invites to walk. Oftentimes, rising out of the midst of many, which sit about him, as if he would recount some strange accident, tells them for news an old tedious tale, which they all knew to be trivial before. He is very forward to undertake those things, which men are unwilling to do, or in modesty refuse. Those which sacrifice and feast he makes great love to, hoping to get a snatch. If a man beat his servant in his presence, he will tell him that he had a boy that he himself beat after that fashion, who hanged himself presently after. If he be chosen Arbitrator betwixt two at difference, which desire earnestly to be accorded, he sets them out further then ever they were before.

XIII. Of Impertinent Diligence, or Over-officiousness

That which we term a foolish sedulity or officiousness, is a counterfeiting of our words and actions with a show or ostentation of love. The manners of such men are these. He vainly undertakes what he is not able to perform. A matter generally confessed to be just, he will with many words, insisting upon some one particular, maintain that it cannot be argued. He causes the boy or waiter, to mingle more wine by much then all the guests can drink. He urges those further, who are already together by the ears. He will lead you the way he knows not himself: losing himself, and him whom he undertakes to conduct. And coming to a general, or a man of great name in arms, demands when he will set a battle; and what service he will command him the next day after tomorrow. And coming to his father, he tells him that now his mother is asleep in her chamber. And that the physician has forbidden his patient the use of wine: this fellow persuades him not so much to enthrall himself to his Physician's directions; but to put his constitution to it a little. If his wife chance to die, he will write upon her tomb the name of husband, father, mother, and her country: adding this inscription, ‘all these people were of very honest life and reputation.’ And if he be urged to take his oath, turning himself to the surrounding multitude: what need I swear now, having sworn oftentimes heretofore?

XIV. Of Blockishness, Dullness, or Stupidity

You may define blockishness to bee a dullness or slowness of the mind; where there be question to speak or do. A blockish fellow is he, who after he has cast up an account, asks him who stands next him what the sum was; or one, who having a cause to be heard upon a peremptory day, forgets himself, and goes into the country: and sitting in the theater, falls asleep; and when all are gone, is there left alone. The same, when he has overgorged himself, rising in the night to make room for more-meat, stumbles upon his neighbor's dog, and is all to-bewearied. The same, having laid up somewhat very carefully, when he looks for it cannot find it. When he hears that some friend of his is dead, and that he is entreated to the funeral, looking sourly, and wringing out a tear or two, says; Much good may it do him. When he receives money, he calls for witnesses: and winter growing on, he quarrels with his man because he bought him no cucumbers. When he is in the country, he seasons lentils himself: and so over-salts them, that they cannot be eaten. And when it rains; how pleasant, says he, is this star-water! Being asked how many people were carried out by the holy gate: how many? says he, I would you and I had so many.

XV. Of Stubbornness, Obstinacy, or Fierceness

Contumacy or stubbornness is an hardness or harshness in the passages of common life. A stubborn or harsh fellow is so framed; as if you ask him where such a man is, answers churlishly; what have I to doe with him? Trouble me not. Being saluted, he salutes not again. When he sells any thing, if you demand his price, he vouchsafes not an answer; but rather asks the buyer what fault he finds with his wares. Unto religious men, which at solemn feasts present the gods with gifts, he is wont to say, that the gifts which they receive from above, are not given them for nothing. If any man casually or unwittingly thrust him, or tread on his foot; it is an immortal quarrel, he is inexorable. And when he refuses a friend, that demands a small sum of money, he comes after voluntary, and brings it himself; but with this sting of reproach, well, come on, hatchet after helve, I shall even lose this too.

XVI. Of Superstition

Superstition we may define, A reverend awful respect to a sovereignty or divine power. But he is superstitious, which with washed hands, and being besprinkled with holy water out of the Temple, bearing a bay leaf in his mouth, walks so a whole day together. If that a weasel cross the way, he will not go forward until another has past before him, or he has thrown three stones over the way. If he see any Serpents in an house, there he will build a chapel. Shining stones which are in the common ways, he does anoint with oil out of a vial; not departing until he has worshipped them upon his knees. But if a Mouse has gnawed his meal bag, he repairs instantly to his Wizards, advises with them what were best to be done: who if they answer, that it should be had to the botchers to mend, our superstitious man, neglecting the soothsayers direction, shall in honor to his religion empty his bag and cast it away. He does also often times perfume, or purify his house: He stays not long by any grave or sepulcher: He goes not to funerals, nor to any woman in child-bed. If he chance to have a vision, or any thing that's strange, in his sleep, he goes to all the soothsayers, diviners, and wizards, to know to what god or goddess he should present his vows: and to the end he may be initiated in holy Orders, he goes often unto the Orphetulists, how many months with his wife, or if she be not at leisure, with his Nurse, and his daughters. Besides, in corners, before he go from thence, sprinkling water upon his head, he purges by sacrifice: and calling for those women which minister, commands himself to be purged with the sea-onion, or bearing about of a whelp. But if he see any mad man, or one troubled with the falling sickness, all frightened and disquieted, by way of charm, his manner is to spit upon his bosom.

XVII. Of Causeless Complaining

A Causeless complaint, is an expostulation framed upon no ground. These are the manners of a querulous wayward man: that if a friend send him a modicum from a banquet, he will say to him that brings it, this is the reason I was not invited: you vouchsafe me not a little pottage and your hedge-wine. And when his mistress kisses him, I wonder (says he) if these be not flattering kisses. He's displeased with Jupiter: not only if he do not rain, but if he send it late: and finding a purse upon the way, he complains that he never found any great treasure. Likewise when he has bought a slave for little or nothing, having importuned him that sold him therunto; I wonder, says he, if I should ever have bought any thing of worth so cheap. If any man bring him glad tidings, that God has sent him a son, he answers; if you had told me I had lost half my wealth, then you had hit it. Having gained a cause by all men's voices, he complains (notwithstanding) of him that pleads for him, for that he omitted many things that were due to him. Now if his friends do contribute to supply his wants, and if some one say unto him; Now be cheerful, now be merry: I have great cause, he will say, when I must repay this money back again, and be beholding for it besides.

XVIII. Of Diffidence, or Distrust

Diffidence or distrust, is that which makes us jealous of fraud from all men. A diffident or distrustful man is he, who if he send one to buy victuals, sends another after him to know what he paid. If he bears money about him, he tells it at every furlong. Lying in his bed, he asks his wife if she has locked her casket; if his chests be fast locked; if the doors be fast bolted: and although she assures it, notwithstanding, naked without shoes he rises out of his bed, lights a candle, surveys all; and hardly falls asleep again for distrust. When he comes to his debtors for his use-money, he goes strong with his witnesses. When he is to turn; or trim some old gaberdine, he puts it not to the best fuller, but to him that does best secure the return of his commodity. If any man borrow any pots, any pails, or pans, if he lend them it is very rare: but commonly he sends for them instantly again, before they are well at home with them. He bids his boy, not to follow them at the hels, but to go before them, lest they make escape with them. And to those which bid him make a note of any thing they borrow: nay, says he, lay down rather; for my men are not at leisure to come and ask it.

XIX. Of Nastiness

Nastiness, is a neglect, or carelessness of the body; a slovenliness or beastliness very loathsome to men. A nasty beastly fellow is he, who having a leprosy, pox, or other contagious disease, wearing long and loathsome nails, intrudes himself into company; and says: Gentlemen of race and antiquity have these diseases; and that his Father, and Grand father were subject to the same. This fellow having ulcers in his legs, nodes or hard tumors in his fingers, seeks no remedy for them; suffering them to grow incurable; hairy as a Goat, black and worm-eaten teeths, foul breath; with him 'tis frequent and familiar, to wipe his nose when he is at meat, to talk with his mouth full, and not to breathe, but to belch in the midst of his draught; to use rank oil in his bathing; to come into the hall or senate house, with clothes all stained and full of spots. Whosoever went to soothsayers, he would not spare them but give them foul language. Oftentimes, when supplications and sacrifices were made, he would suffer the bowl to fall out of his hand, as it were casually, but purposely: then he would take up a great laughter, as if some prodigy or ominous thing had happened. When he hears any fiddlers, he cannot hold but he must keep time, and with a kind of mimic gesticulation as it were applaud and imitate their chords. Then he rails on the fiddler as a trouble-cup; because he made an end no sooner: and while he would spit beyond the table, he all-to-bespawls him who skinks at the feast.

XX. Of Unpleasantness, or Tediousness

If we should define tediousness, it is a troublesome kind of conversing, without any other damage or prejudice. A tedious fellow is he, who wakens one suddenly out of his sleep which went lately to bed; and being entreated, troubles him with impertinent loud prating: and that he who now comes unto him, is ready to go aboard and that a little lingering may hurt him: only I wished him to forbear, until I had some little conference with you. Likewise, taking the child from the Nurse, he puts meat half chewed into the mouth, as Nurses are wont; and calling him Pretty, and Lovely, will cull and stroke him. At his meat he tells you, that he took elleborus, which stuck so in his guts, that it wrought with him upwards and downwards. Then he tells you that his sieges were blacker than broth, that's set to. He delights to enquire of his mother, his friends being present, what day she was delivered of him. He will tell that he has very cold water in his cistern, and complains, that his house lies so open to passengers, as if it were a public Inn. And when he entertains any guests, he brings forth his parasite, that they may see what manner of brain it is: And in his feast, turning himself to him, he says; you parasite, look that you content them well.

XXI. Of a base and frivolous Affectation of Praise

You may term this affectation, a shallow, petty, bastard ambition, altogether illiberal and degenerate. But the foolish ambitious fellow is he, who being invited to supper, desires to sit by the master of the feast; who brings his son from Delphi only that he might cut his hair; who is very desirous to have a lackey an Asiopian; who, if he pay but a pound in silver, affects to pay it in money lately coined. And if he sacrifice an ox, his manner is to place the fore-part of his head circled with garlands in the entry of the door, that all men that enter may know that he has killed an ox. And when he goes in state and pomp with other knights, all other things being delivered to his boy to bear home, he comes cloaked into the market place and there walks his stations. And if a little dog or whippet of his die, oh he makes him a tomb, and writes upon a little pillar or pyramid, surculus melitensis, a Melitean plant. And when he does consecrate an iron ring to Aesculapius, hanging up still new crowns he shall wear it away. And he himself is daily bedaubed with onions. All things which belong to the charge of the Magistrates, whom they call Prytanes, he himself is very careful of: that when they have offered, he may recount the manner to the people. Therefore crowned, and clothed in white, he comes forth into the assembly and says: We Prytanes, oh Athenians, do perform our holy ceremonies and rites to the mother of the gods, and have sacrificed. Therefore, expect all happy and prosperous events. These things thus related, he returns home to his house; reporting to his wife, that all things have succeeded beyond expectation.

XXII. Of Illiberality, or Servility

Illiberality, or Servility, is too great a contempt of glory, proceeding from the like desire to spare expense. An illiberal fellow is he, who if he should gain the victory in a tragic encounter, would consecrate to Bacchus a wooden bowl, wherein his name should be inscribed. He is likewise one, who in a needful distressed season of the commonwealth, when by the citizens there is given a very extraordinary contribution, rising up in a full assembly, is either silent or gets him gone. Being to bestow his daughter, and the sacrifices slain, he sells all the flesh, save what is used in holy rites: and he hires such as are to wait and attend upon the marriage only for that time, which shall diet them selves and eat their own meat. The captain of the galley which himself set forth, he lays old planks under his cabin to spare his own. Coming out of the marketplace, he puts the flesh he bought in his bosom: and upon any occasion, is forced to keep in, till his clothes be made clean. In the Morning, as soon as he rises, he sweeps the house, and fumigates the beds himself, and turns the wrong side of his wild cloak outwards.

XXIII. Of Ostentation

Ostentation may be said to be, a vaunting or setting out of some good things which are not present. A vaunter or forth-putter is he, that boasts upon the exchange that he has stores of money in the bank: and this he tells to strangers; and is not daunted to discover all his usuring trade, showing how high he is grown in gain. As he travels, if he get a companion, he will tell you he served under Alexander in that noble expedition; and what a number of jeweled drinking pots he brought away. He will maintain, though others dissent, that the artificers of Asia, are better than these of Europe: then, that arts and letters came from Antipater; who (they say) ran into Macedonia, scantly accompanied with two more. He, when there was granted a free exportation, when the courtesy was offered him, refused it, because he would shun all manner of obloquy. The same man in the dearth of corn, gave more than five talents to the poor. But if he sit by those which know him not, he entreats them to cast account and reckon the number of those to whom he has given: the which if they fall out to be six hundred, his account doubled, and their names being added to every one, it will easily be effected; so that anon ten talents will be gathered, the which he affirms that he gave to the relief of the poor: And yet in this account, I reckon not the Gallies that I did command my self; and the other services which I undertook for the good of the Common-wealth. The same man coming to those which sell barbs, jennets and other horses of price he bears them in hand he would buy them in the Fair at Tentoria. Of those which expose their wares to sale, he calls to see a garment of two talents price, and chides his boy extremely, that he dare follow him without gold. Lastly, dwelling in an hired house, if he have speech with any that knows it not, he will tell him the house was his father's; but because it is not of receipt for his train, and entertainment of his friends, he has an intention to make it away.

XXIV. Of Pride

Pride, is a contempt of all others save it self. A proud man is of this quality: If any man desire to speak with him speedily he will tell him that he will, after supper, walk a turn or two with him. If any man be obliged unto him, he will command him to remember the favor; nay, he will urge him to it. He will never come unto any man first. They that buy any thing, or hire any thing of him, he disdains not to admit them come as early as they list. As he walks bending down his head, speaks to no man that he meets. If he invites any friends, he sups not with them him self; but commits the care of their entertainment unto some one that is at his devotion. When he goes to visit any man, he sends his harbinger before, to signify his approach. When he is to be anointed, or when he feeds, he admits none to his presence. If he clear an account with any, he commands his boy to cast away the accountants: and when he casts up the sum, makes the reckoning (as it were) to another. In his letters he never writes, you shall oblige me, but this I would have done: I have sent one to you that shall receive it. See it be not otherwise, and that speedily.

XXV. Of Timidity, or Fearfulness

Fearfulness may seem to be a timorous distrustful dejection of the mind. A fearful man is of this fashion: if he be at sea, he fears the promontories to be the enemies navy: and at every cross gale or billow, asks if the sailors be expert; whether there be not some novices amongst them, or no. When the pilot gives the ship but a little clout, he asks if the ship holds a middle course. He knows not well whether he should fear or hope. He tells him that sits next him, how he was terrified with a dream not long since: Then he puts off his shirt, and gives it the boy: entreats the Sailors to set him on shore. Being in service at land, he calls his fellow soldiers unto him: and looking earnestly upon them, says; 'Tis hard to know whether you be enemies, or no. Hearing a bustling, and seeing some fall, he tells them, that for pure hast he had forgotten his two-hand sword: and so soon as by running he has recovered his tent, he sends the boy to scout warily where the enemy is: then hides he his long sword under his pillow: then he spends much time in seeking of it. And if by chance he see any wounded brought over toward the tent, he runs to him, encourages him, bids him take a man's heart, and be resolute. He's very tender over him, and wipes away the corruption of his wound with a sponge: he drives away the flies. He had rather do any work about the house than fight: He cares not how little blood he looses himself: His two-held sword is his best weapon: when the Trumpet sounds a charge, sitting in his tent: a mischief on him (says he) he disquiets the poor wounded man, he can take no rest for him. He loves the blood and glory of another mans wound. He will brag when he comes out of the field, how many friends he brought off with the hazard of his own life. He brings to the hurt man, many of the same band, to visit him: and tells them all, that he with his own hand brought him into his tent.

XXVI. Of an Oligarchy, or The Manners of the principal Sort, which sway in a State.

An Oligarchy, may seem to be a vehement desire of honor, without desire of gain. Oligarchs, or principal men in a State, have these conditions. When the people consult, whosoever the Magistrate should have any associate added unto him in the setting out of their show and pomp, he steps forth uncalled for, and pronounces himself worthy of that honor. He has learned this only verse of Homer,

Non multos regnare bonum est,

rex unicus esto.

The State is at an evil stay,

Where more than one the Scepter sway.

These sayings are frequent with them. 'Tis fit that we assemble our selves together, deliberate and determine finally: That we free our selves of the multitude: That we intercept their claim of any place of magistracy or government. If any do them affront or injury, he and I (say they) are not compatible in this city. About noon they go abroad, their beards and hair cut of a middling size, their nails curiously pared, strutting it in the law-house, saying; there is no dwelling in this City: that they are too much pestered and importuned with multitudes of suitors and causes; that they are very much ashamed, when they see any man in the assembly beggarly, or slovenly; and that all the orators are an odious profession; and that Theseus was the first, which brought this contagion into cities and common-wealths. The like speeches they have with strangers, and such citizens as are of their own faction.

XXVII. Of Late-learning

Late, or unseasonable learning, is a desire of getting better furniture and abilities in the going down of our strength, and the declining of our age. Of those men this is their manner. When such men are three-score years of age, they learn verses out of poets by heart: and these they begin to sing in their cups and collations. No sooner they have begun, but they forget the rest. Such an one learns of his son, how in service they turn to the right hand and the left. When he goes into the Country, riding upon a borrowed horse, practicing how to salute those he meets, without a lighting, falling all-to-bemoils him self. He does practice at the Quintin. He will learn of one, and teach him again, as if his master were unskillful. He likewise wrestling and bathing, does manage his blind cheeks very wildly.

XXVIII. Of Detraction, or Back-biting

Detraction is a proneness or swerving of the mind into the worst part in our speech and discourse. A detractor is thus conditioned: If he be questioned what such an one is, as if he should play the Herald, and set down his pedigree, he begins with the first of his Family. This mans father, says he, was first called Socias. After he followed the wars, they called him Sosistratus: then from one of the many he was made an officer (forsooth). His mother was noble of Tressa: the which sort of women, say they, are noble when they are at home. And this fellow, for all his pretended gentry, is a very lewd knave. He proceeds and tells you,that these are the women which entice men out of their way: he joins with others which traduce the absent, and says, I hate the man you blame exceedingly. If you note his face, it discovers a lewd fellow very worthy of hatred. If you look to his villainies, nothing more flagitious. He gives his wife three farthing tokens to go to market with. In the months of January when the colds are greatest, he compels her to wash. His manner is, sitting amongst much company, to rise up and snarl at any; not to spare those that are at rest, and cannot reply.

Finis.

The copyright of the original text has expired and may be reproduced without restriction; in its present form it has undergone some editing and therefore the source should be acknowledged if my reformatted text is made available at another url. I have chosen Joseph Healey’s translation not because it gives us the most faithful Greek, but because it is the better English - most of the time.

appendix: a version closer to the original Greek, translated by R.C. Jebb, 1870.

Healey has introduced Theophrast as the friendly neighbor next door cutting his lawn, and who stopped raking leaves for a spot of gossip across the fence. Jebb’s translation gives more of the original flavor and the actual values of Hellenistic culture. The difference becomes apparent from the tone of disdain in which Theophrast is depicting characters like the “reckless.” In this day and age we wouldn’t call such person “reckless” but “thrifty;” most of our self-made millionaires are cut from this cloth. It’s a shift in the moral paradigm.

michael sympson

Proem

[Often before now have I applied my thoughts to the puzzling question - one, probably, which will puzzle me for ever - why it is that, while all Greece lies under the same sky and all the Greeks are educated alike, it has befallen us to have characters so variously constituted. For a long time, Polycles, I have been a student of human nature; I have lived ninety years and nine; I have associated, too, with many and diverse natures; and, having observed side by side, with great closeness, both the good and the worthless among men, I conceived that I ought to write a book about the practices in life of either sort.

I will describe to you, class by class, the several kinds of conduct which characterize them and the mode in which they administer their affairs; for I conceive, Polycles, that our sons will be the better if such memorials are bequeathed to them, using which as examples they shall choose to live and consort with men of the fairest lives, in order that they may not fall short of them.

And now I will turn to my narrative; be it your part to come along with it and to see if I speak rightly. In the first place, then, I will commence my account with those who have studied Irony, dispensing with preface or many words about the matter. I will begin with Irony and define it; next I will set forth, in like manner, the nature of the Ironical man, and of the character into which he has drifted; and then I will try, as I proposed, to make the other affections of the mind plain, each after its kind.]